Fear of Change
- naturallight4
- Feb 14
- 4 min read
Updated: Feb 19
Change: Upheaval. The unknown. Out of our comfort zone; all disturbing on an emotional level, especially as an artist.
As I look back on my journey into art, I have to say that each new thing caused me to pause for a while until I settled into the discomfort of "change."
Change, in the beginning, was simply starting at all. Very daunting. All the doubts and questions rose up in annoying fury. Little voice one said, "Don't be ridiculous. You're not an artist. You will embarrass yourself."
Little voice two said, "Go ahead, try it. You're artistic at heart. What is the worst that can happen?"
Back and forth until one day I just dove off the high dive and plunged into the rewarding waters of watercolors, then oil painting.
CHANGE IS GOOD.
Lately, however, I have been introduced to a semi-new medium: water-based oils. I never heard of them before I joined a Studio Group. Several people there praised the medium to the skies; said I'd never miss true oils again. I doubted that, but real oils weren't allowed in the Studio, so I tried the water-based oils.
I struggled. My inner resistance fought me, causing blotchy, muddy paintings.
"I knew it," I thought, now comforted in my familiar toots. I scurried back to my comfort zone and painted one of the Monks walking for Peace, which inspired me.
Back to normal.
At the next Studio meeting when I was explaining what I'd learned, a gal said, "The secret is 'Cobra.'
"Cobra?"
She nodded and showed me the wonderful results she had in her art. I was amazed. "You did this with water-based oils?"
She smiled knowingly. "Cobra," she repeated.
So, I pulled up Amazon and ordered Cobra brand water-based oils, just to try.
My experience was night and day to my previous efforts. Maybe my resistance was down now that I'd seen what could be done with them, but my next paintings worked out better than I hoped.
The change enlivened me a bit; gave me a new challenge for a while, but something was nudging me to break out from what I was painting (close-up portraits) to more artistic expression.
Another change.
I signed up for an online course with Tahlia Stanton in Australia. She is amazing in her own right and has a very distinct artistic style. She teaches how to loosen up, move the body, get relaxed with splashing paints on canvas. She is young and has a free spirit.
I tried, but it turns out that I'm not that young, nor that free in spirit.
Splashing colors indiscriminately on canvas fought with my structured personality. I looked at her paintings and then looked at mine and felt...intimidated. She really is amazing.
A couple of weeks ago as I was looking up YouTube channels, I came across Milan Academy of Art. The first one I listened to was about creating saleable art, how to market, etc., and was a bit overwhelming. Clearly, I was not ready for that.
But as I kept scanning the episodes, I came across "Abstract Realism Portraits." Bingo. That's what I needed help with learning.
Elli and her daughter, Dimitra, are the most generous people in sharing information. Each episode is chock full of powerful tools and instructions. They come across as very nice people who want everyone to be the best they can be.
They do some splashing of colors, too, but in a way that makes sense to me. I began one painting that told a story, as instructed, verses my typical full- face portraits. I followed each step and layer as it was taught. I could not have been more out of my comfort zone if I'd tried.
"Breathe through it," I kept saying. "Let go. Flow. Don't judge."
My first effort was either amazing or disturbing; dark and ominous, perhaps a hidden part of myself, unacknowledged. I'm not sure.
What I am sure of is it's completely different than anything else I've ever done and that is a breakthrough.
Liking the image, I am in the process of doing another one but more carefully. I'm taking more time with the drawing and application of color. I'm re-listening to the YouTube instructions as I go. So far, the second version is much better to my eye, and I feel I can continue to explore these techniques, claiming a new and less rigid style for myself.
I love my portraits that I have covering my walls. They are like familiar friends, but . . . now they seem passe in a way. They represent a completely different 'me'. They will be a category of past works, but will not be representative of my new works, which I hope will be more artistically creative, even when spooky and off-putting.
It was confronting my FEAR OF CHANGE that led me to this point, this new path in artistic expression. I feel like I'm starting fresh; a whole new beginning, which is fitting for this Chinese 'Year of the Horse.'
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